The Writings of Evanna Ramly

Friday

2011-01-07T15:35:00.001+08:00

What I like about Friday is the closure and the promise of the weekend. What I hate about school on Saturday is the fact that this pleasure is taken away from me. If I have plans to go back home, I actually look forward to the long drive. Even if I don't go anywhere, I can rest easy. Otherwise Friday feels like Thursday, and that bites. Friday TV is boring anyway - a lot of shows do that weird Monday to Thursday thing. That's just mean - what the heck is there for me to watch on Friday?

2011-01-07T15:34:00.003+08:00

Wedding Guide Asia

2010-10-16T20:22:00.000+08:00

If you're wondering why I've been so quiet lately, it's because I'm now editor of www.weddingguideasia.com. You can continue reading my writings there ;-) Enjoy!

xoxo

my new toy

2010-09-04T20:22:00.000+08:00

I just bought myself a new phone: SONY ERICSSON VIVAZ PRO. Life is good :-)

"Cikgu, kenapa Cikgu tak marah?"

2010-08-24T01:02:00.001+08:00

Some kids have recently been making it obvious that they hate me. My name's been scribbled on the bathroom walls so often they might as well rename the facility. My car's been scratched with all sorts of beautiful patterns. And yet I haven't killed anyone yet. Those who know me well enough would be surprised at this. How can this be? How can I stay silent? I'm the super garang teacher. I'm their volcano. But why didn't I erupt? This is something only those who really know me need not ask. Since there are many not lucky enough to be under this category, I shall endeavour to explain with bits and pieces taken from a recent conversation with an anonymous student (I write this in Malay because you never know - the perpetrator might be reading this and I suspect he/she only understands Malay and far be it for me to deny him/her the satisfaction - or not - of seeing my response).

Cikgu, saya pun geram tengok. Kenapa Cikgu tak marah? Dalam kelas punya lah garang...

Cikgu nak marah siapa, sayang? Kita tak ada bukti. Lagipun tak ada gunanya marah, lagi baik kita bersabar. Kita ada agama, bukan macam orang tu. Kita percaya pada Tuhan kan?

Apa kena-mengenanya Cikgu?

Ye lah. Kalau kita percaya pada Tuhan, kita yakin Tuhan akan memberi semua orang balasan yang patut diterimanya. Kalau selama ni kita buat baik, Tuhan balas dengan yang baik. Kalau kita buat jahat, Tuhan balas dengan yang kurang baik. Allah Maha Besar. Tuhan tahu lah nak bagi apa kat kawan tu.

Betul Cikgu, tapi saya masih tak puas hati!

Kenapa pulak? Semua yang berlaku mesti ada sebab. Mungkin benda ni berlaku sebab Tuhan nak ingatkan kita sesuatu. Kalau banyak sangat yang kita kena fikir, banyak yang kita lupa. Manusia mana ada yang perfect. Mungkin Cikgu terlalu kasar dengan budak tu. Mungkin Cikgu cuai dengan keselamatan Cikgu sendiri. Mungkin sembahyang Cikgu belum cukup sempurna. Mungkin juga Cikgu lupa ada banyak lagi sebab Cikgu patut bersyukur. Nyawa insyaallah masih lagi panjang. Kereta dicalar alhamdulillah masih lagi boleh bergerak. Segala pencapaian Cikgu setakat ini masih laku. Tak dapat straight As pun tak ada juga yang gagal. Dapat juga degree, insyaallah akan diikuti master. Keluarga Cikgu tak pernah kaya tapi tak pernah miskin. Cikgu tak pernah lapar, sejuk, panas sampai betul-betul mati. Semua keperluan Cikgu ada. Kita anggap semua itu macam biasa tapi ramai juga orang yang keperluannya tidak dipenuhi. Susah mana pun, Cikgu tetap happy. Siapa tak dengki tengok orang yang nampaknya sentiasa gembira?

So Cikgu tak nak cuba cari orang tu?

Awak ingat dia nak mengaku? Biar je lah. Ingat je apa yang Cikgu cakap. Tuhan Maha Mengetahui. Tulisan dia boleh dipadam tapi dosa tangannya memfitnah orang lain tetap dicatat. Apapun, Cikgu sentiasa mencari kebaikan. Tengoklah; budak-budak yang selama ni tak pernah ambil kisah Cikgu semua tanya "Cikgu, Cikgu okay tak?" Tiba-tiba, ramai yang ambil berat - siap tolong padamkan tulisan kat bilik air lagi. Ada juga yang selama ni senyap, tiba-tiba berkawan dengan Cikgu. Dia kata, "Cikgu, saya tak faham. Cikgu punya lah baik tapi ada juga yang nak buat macam ni." Orang tu nak kata apapun, ada juga yang pandai menghargai jasa seorang guru. Semua ni, Cikgu anggap sebagai ujian dan ingatan. Budak tu hanya berjaya mengingatkan Cikgu bahawa Tuhan sentiasa menyayangi dan menguji umatNya. Dan kalau Tuhan menguji Cikgu, alhamdulillah, itu tanda Tuhan masih lagi sayang Cikgu. Yang penting, kita selalu ingat pada Tuhan.

Cikgu maafkan dia?

Kenapa pula tak maafkan? Semua orang buat silap. Kalau kita tak boleh nak maafkan orang, macam mana kita nak harapkan kemaafan orang lain bila kita sendiri buat silap? Lagi pun, kemaafan manusia tak seberapa di akhirat nanti - keampunan Tuhan yang lagi penting.

"Therefore be patient in spite of what they say, and celebrate the Praises of your Lord before sunrise and before sunset, and glorify Him (also) during night hours and at noon, that you may be satisfied." - Surah Ta Ha, Ayat 130.

Back To You (Or Me)

2010-08-11T17:19:00.003+08:00

Lately I've been so focused on school and the kids that I've forgotten one very important thing: Myself. I'm not eating as much as I used to and I've lost a lost of weight. My days are filled with work and even my personal time for myself revolves around work. I used to read a lot at night but now the only reading I get at night is marking essays. And if it wasn't for the rugby team I probably wouldn't even get any fresh air.

But the worst part is that my dreams, my reasons for living, have taken a backseat. I haven't been able to work on my novel in months and I have no idea what's going to become of it. And where is that Master's degree? All this educating other people and sacrificing my own education with almost nobody being grateful for that sacrifice. Sometimes the things you want are actually the things you need. I'm young and unmarried and there's no better time for me to do my Masters than right now.

Thankfully, the fact that it's been more than a year of all this work means I'm that much closer to confirmation. We've already done our BTN and Kursus Induksi and we've been interviewed so now all we have to do is wait for the college to give the necessary information to KPM so we can get our certificates and pass them to school admin to process and wait for our confirmation. Bureaucracy is a beautiful thing, no?

That done, I can do my Masters full-time. I asked my principal and he told me to go ahead and apply for it. Once I'm accepted we can write to KPM for a green light. I'm getting him and my former lecturer to write the reference reports. I'm fortunate to have so many supporting me in this. My PK Koku supports me too but she was a bit sad when I told her I'm hoping to start my Masters at the end of this year. We work well together. She's also wondering where she's going to get another teacher for the rugby team.
I've applied online and prepared all the necessary documents and stuff. Just waiting for the references and then it's just a whole lot of prayers until I get some good news. My principal said it's usually easier for English teachers because English is a critical subject. Funny how not many people agree. You'd be surprised at the number of people who could still ask, "Why learn English? What's the point?" Worse still for Literature.

I'm really eager to go back to university. I know a candle is not dimmed by lighting another but for some strange reason I sometimes feel as if my brain is quickly turning to mush from a lack of mental stimulus. Thank God for all the arguments with my boyfriend - that's some serious intellectual challenge right there.

See babe? I told you you were good for me ^_^

The Big Walk Around JB

2010-08-11T16:02:00.001+08:00

On the second day of Iskandar 10s Rugby Challenge, the boys didn't get to play. Since we had a lot of time to kill before watching the finals, we decided to take a good long walk and get some lunch.

It felt good to get some exercise and play with the camera, which I haven't done in ages. I haven't felt this much like a tourist since the Seven Sinners' trip to Sarawak.

Here are some pictures from the outing:

You can see more photos and keep track of our team at: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?gid=110292855689573

Out Of The Mouths Of Kids Who Up Till Recently Had Never Really Cared About Me

2010-08-11T15:18:00.000+08:00

On a recent trip to JB:

"Takkan kitorang nak lari pi jalan-jalan kat JB, Miss. Kita kan One Pack! Kitorang sayang Miss. Mana boleh tinggalkan Miss... Kalau kitorang nak jalan-jalan nanti, mestilah kita bawa Miss sekali!"

"Miss, makan Miss. Miss dah makan? Miss tak makan ke?"

During daily training:

"Miss! Miss, nampak tak macam mana saya tackle dia tadi, Miss?"

"Miss, laju tak saya lari tadi, Miss?"

"Miss! Miss, saya dapat try, Miss!"

And what melts all fatigue at the end of the day:

"Thank you, Miss!"

I love my job.

In Loving Memory

2010-07-30T00:18:00.001+08:00

My grandfather passed away a decade ago. I miss him more every single year. There were so many things I should have said and done but didn't. Worse still are the things I shouldn't have said and done but did. And as I continue to grow and learn I discover so much more that I wish I could share with him but I can't.

Listening to this song just made me feel... I don't know. I hate you, Mariah Carey.

"Bye Bye"

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings, and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through
All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show because
You loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face

[Chorus:]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And it's true that you've reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

(Bye Bye [3x])
Bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

[Chorus]

(bye bye bye bye bye bye [3x])
Bye bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

[Chorus]

The Journey By Night

2010-05-19T00:28:00.001+08:00

82. And We send down from the Qur'an that which is a healing and a mercy to those who believe (in Islamic Monotheism and act on it), and it increases the Zalimun (polytheists and wrong-doers) nothing but loss.

-Surah Al-Isra'

Two floors above me, there lives a lady who teaches people (mostly kids) to read the Quran. Recently I had the chance to talk to her and now she's also teaching me.

Well, if I'm going to tell my students to make learning a life-long thing, I'll have to lead by example. And it's been years since I had anyone guiding me in my Quran recitation.

Praise God, my recitation has not gone that far downhill. Anyway, she reminds me that one is never too old to learn and the most important thing is to never give up.
Allah SWT gives to whom He wills.

Wish me all the best

Baskin In The Robbins

2010-04-26T23:16:00.001+08:00

Shared a brownie ala mode with Cikgu Jihan some weeks back after her meeting in Johor Jaya got cancelled. And last week, Athirah (one of this teacher's many pets) belanja me the same thing (with different flavours).

Life is good.

Some Kinda Local Sakura

2010-04-05T23:41:00.001+08:00

Does anybody know what tree this is? It's long been a favourite of mine. Apparently, it's in season now and I've been having a personal O-Hanami at school (yes, we have plenty of them at my school). The kids like it, too.

Bright Lights, Big City

2010-03-23T00:09:00.000+08:00

This is my favourite part of the North-South Highway. See if you can't figure out exactly where this picture was taken. I love how the city peeks out at you as you come up over the hill and then when you're zooming down... Wow.

Praying With Papa

2010-02-20T00:04:00.005+08:00

So pure of face, wouldn't you say?

My father is full of surprises. Among his latest was telling me that even with all my shortcomings, he considered me his anak soleh. Me. The daughter the family would complain about when he came home from work at the end of each day. The one who was such a nightmare way back in school that he was ashamed to meet my teachers. The one who made him use the rotan on a regular basis, and for which he would cry afterwards. The one who was always the life of the party - usually first one on and last one off the dance floor. The one who was always more comfortable being friends with boys than girls (granted this was never to a disturbing degree) and giving people the wrong idea. And a billion other things I hate myself for and would never list here. He knows all this, and still he considers me the filial daughter he has the highest hopes for. And he expects the best from one he considers the best.
As a child you want your parents to be proud of you for what you are. But this exceeds all my expectations. This is a title I had never even dared to dream of. I always thought I'd be Queen of Malaysia before anyone called me anak soleh.
This is the highest regard, Papa.
I'll try my best not to let you down.

An Interesting Story

2010-02-19T23:38:00.004+08:00

The two girls were sitting side by side, one of them watching the other carefully adjust her hijab.
"You look nice, sister."
"Thank you. I have seen you in a hijab and you look nice too."
"I wish I could wear it like you, sister."
"Why can't you?"
"Because I am not like you. I am not perfect."
"Nobody is. Only God is perfect."
"You know what I mean."
"Talk to me."
"I take my religion seriously enough but I still worry that I may be unworthy of wearing the hijab as you do."
"How so?"
"Some people dishonour the hijab. They wear it but do not behave accordingly."
"But I know you, my sister. And you are not like them. You observe prayer, fast during the holy month of Ramadhan and read the Quran in your spare time."
"But you do more than I do in terms of religion."
The other one smiled. "What makes you so sure the little that you do is not accepted by God and the plenty that others do is accepted by God?"
"I still believe that only some people are worthy of the garment."
Now the other one laughed. "If that is how you feel, let me ask you this: What have you got to lose from being the kind of person you do deem worthy?"
Silence. "It would be a major change."
"But for the better. And once you have changed for the better, no one should have a problem with how you choose to present yourself. It is between you and God - and no one else."

Don't Let Me Fall

2010-02-19T23:20:00.006+08:00

AF and family took me ice skating the other day... AH and Up taught me how, thank you very much. It was my first time and I am happy to report that I fell only once - cheers to my cousin Joey for letting me play with his rollerblades when I was younger; I think that really helped :-D

Hardly going fast enough to melt the ice

Tired but extremely happy

Catch You

2010-01-23T02:15:00.002+08:00

The other day I was attacked by a baby gecko. It just popped out of nowhere. Luckily, the kids were around and I called for help. F saved me by catching the little monster. It was so cute - he was squatting under my bathroom sink, singing "I can catch you..."
Later, when we were all about to leave the house we spotted another baby gecko (probably its twin) and F caught this one, too.
I love these kids :-)

You Need A Friend For This

2010-01-23T01:54:00.002+08:00

How to say "I don't know" on the count of three.

I'm Their Big Sister

2010-01-23T01:50:00.003+08:00

The kids normally write their teachers' names on their exercise books. This one made me laugh out loud in the staffroom.
God bless this kid...

What Have You To Say Now?

2010-01-10T11:43:00.000+08:00

http://www.quranclub.net/2010/01/prophet-muhammads-promise-to-christians.html

One Kid

2009-12-28T00:35:00.002+08:00

All I asked was to be able to make a difference in the life of at least one kid each year. This year, I certainly hope I had made that difference. To the kids who were abused, bothered by peers, losing interest in their studies, getting in with the wrong crowd, hated teachers and the like - I spoke to you all and I hope what I said made a difference. If not now, years down the line...

I don't know if this means anything to anyone, but today I checked my MySpace account and I saw that one of my students had left me a comment on my page. In response to the question of whether or not I'd be teaching him again next year, he had this to say:

"arap2 ckgu yg ajar.. amin.. :-D" [siap ada 'amin' yang tak tahan tu]

Oh God bless you, kid. You've made my year. You and the others who pray they get me for a teacher next year - I love you guys, too :-) Look forward to 2010!

The Fridge

2009-12-28T00:03:00.005+08:00

The kids give me drawings and I stick them on my fridge.
Check the talent.

By Sophie Ng Shu Chin

By Alexander An Jie Douglas

Book (life?) Update

2009-12-27T23:17:00.006+08:00

Argh! It's been forever since my last entry >_<
This is getting to be a really bad habit!

Anyway... Recently had my book assessed and the good news is my editor (can I call her that?) says it's got lots of potential. The even-better news (let's call this that) is that we're in for a lot of rewriting. Yay. Watch this space - I should be able to give more updates on the book by this time next year.

Back to work early this week, while everyone else was still busy enjoying their holidays (don't get me started on this) and other than a 24-hour-or-so-long blackout it's been awfully quiet around here. Teacher's Pet is still in Sarawak and won't be back till next year. Wondering if I'll end up teaching him then. I don't wanna teach him - he'll hate me and then I'll have one less friend here. Who am I gonna watch sunsets with? I'd rather teach the kids who already hate me anyway.

Kid pointed out that the cloud looks like a ship

During the holidays, TP sent me a text message to update me on the sunsets (We'd been experiencing pretty balmy weather of late so he was seriously excited to finally see a sunset worth texting about). That was when I realized I hadn't been looking out for sunsets in KL. Why? What evils were there to distract me from my usual simple pleasures? None. God forbid I only resort to watching sunsets because I'm that bored down south.

My second home

Actually, I think it's just because the kids are there and they remind me of the simple things. Which reminds me - Riss! You and I are supposed to do our own version of The Simple Life, remember? Next year, buddy - come on!

Wheee!!!

2009-11-03T17:09:00.001+08:00

The novel is finally complete. Would you believe it?

More On The Book

2009-10-18T17:15:00.000+08:00

I'm just two chapters away from completion. This is exciting.

Book Progress

2009-09-18T01:18:00.000+08:00

As of last night, my novel is 75% complete :-)

HarshMarsh

2009-09-18T00:46:00.003+08:00

A few interesting bits I've been meaning to share...

Lately, my time with one class has been spent finishing up their oral assessment. This one girl asked to see the marks that the previous teacher had given her. She was not very happy with what she saw. She told me that she and her group members had been forced to present while they were still unprepared. She had asked if they could have another go and the teacher had told her, "That's up to your new teacher." [By that time he already knew he would be leaving the school.] Well, since it was up to me, I of course gave them another chance and ended up awarding higher marks. Quite frankly, I don't know what possessed the teacher to give them such low marks in the first place. Their pronunciation was clear, they were good enough for their level, and they showed effort as well as initiative. They're learning. They're trying. What did he expect? Native speaker-like perfection? Get real. And I thought he'd been teaching for years.

Another teacher told me about this one student who (I'll say) just needs to learn at his own pace. He takes his time, and she does have the patience to cater to him. Unfortunately, she is not allowed to do so. She had offered to give him extra lessons but his mother would not allow it. She offered to lend him books for self-study and he told her that his mother would throw them away. This boy has secretly been studying locked up in his room, so afraid that his mother would find him and scold him. The only explanation my colleague could offer as to the mother's strange attitude is that his special needs has probably driven her off a mental cliff. I just call it mental. And disgraceful. If a teacher who has to cater to an average of 200 students a year can have the extra patience for a kid who just needs a little more time and attention, how difficult could it be for a mother to love her child, her own flesh and blood, just a little bit more?

Yes, they can be challenging - and believe me, I've had my fair share. This one brat in my class had the nerve to swear at me (thinking I didn't know Chinese profanity) because I caught him cheating on a test. This kid also skipped his last oral assessment but I looked though his records and saw he had gotten a pretty good score the previous year. I showed it to him and pointed out that it would be a shame if he didn't try to do as well now. He agreed, took the test, and earned a most respectable score (I had to take spontaneity into account - I didn't think he would do it there and then completely unprepared). He was very pleased, and the undeniable joy of his "Thank you, Teacher!" is still ringing in my ears - thankfully drowning out the "Ch* Ba*" he had shouted not too long before that. At one time, he completely ignored me and always sneaked out to run off with his friends. Now that he knows I care, he has yet to skip one of my classes. Well, okay, so he hasn't gotten to the point where he can prattle on about the moral values within Potato People, but at least he listened attentively while I was telling him what the story was all about. And for me, that's a pretty good start. Heck, it's even better than I had hoped for.

Is it just me or does this job just keep getting better and better?

How's The Book Coming Along?

2009-08-19T21:32:00.000+08:00

If I haven't told you, I'm halfway through... Yay ^_^

What You Said To Lao Tse?

2009-08-19T21:24:00.002+08:00

Because the Muslim students were all taking an exam in the hall, the non-Muslims from different classes were grouped together and placed in a few classrooms. I was in charge of one such classroom and the kids were so noisy, I switched off the ceiling fans until they kept quiet. Later, one of the boys was so rude to me, I forced him to stand on his chair for more than half an hour. The other teachers who saw were amazed that he even listened to the instructions. However, there was a great deal of mumbling in Chinese, which of course I could not understand. When the next slot came, the Muslim students were still in the hall so I had another class of non-Muslims to babysit. This one was all Chinese. Some boys were sitting together in a large group, so I planted myself in the center and had them give me a crash course in Chinese swearing. They were very amused and they happily obliged. I can now say a few things which would make any mother's heart bleed but of course, I'm not going to put them here...

Study Period

2009-08-19T21:00:00.008+08:00

Hands up those of you who couldn't bother using the little time in between papers to study! After all, how much could you possibly squeeze in at the last minute, right? These kids agree...

These girls were probably gossiping the whole time. One of them (not pictured) was actually hiding a Tupperware of fried rice (made by her classmate's sister, no less) under her notebook. They said they didn't have time for breakfast. I told them to get up earlier. What happens to your subuh if you wake up at 7a.m.?

One of these boys marveled at the fact that I was very brave to teach morning session. He said the kids in Form One were a lot tamer. I didn't tell him that I wasn't given a choice...

This boy gave me a few sheets of examination pad and saved me the trouble of running down to the exam hall for more. He's already one of my favourites. Pity I'm not teaching his class.

Okay, so we have some good eggs. This kid didn't move at all while I was in their class. He just kept reading the whole time and probably didn't even notice when I snapped this picture.

God bless this kid. Not only did he behave himself throughout the period but he was actually kind enough the sweep the classroom floor. Just when you thought the situation was doomed.

Illusions of Grandeur?

2009-08-19T20:50:00.003+08:00

The discipline teacher walked into the exam hall the other day and was very angry to see some students sleeping or doodling towards the end of the exam. He asked me to take down their names so that he could call their parents. Maybe I'm just being slack but I think it's far better these kids sleep or draw (and they really can draw) instead of talking or disrupting the others. Bear in mind these are the kind of kids you feel grateful to see within the premises (as opposed to the other side of the fence) what more actually staying in their classrooms and taking exams.

Pity the lighting bites but I thought the dragon was pretty cool.

Art Exam

2009-08-19T20:21:00.010+08:00

"Subjek Seni tak penting lah, Cikgu!"

The kids at school don't really like art. It's the social stigma that says art students are the bad students. What they really need to wake up to is the fact that their own school has reached a point where all students are bad students. That said, some of them really have talent.

The students were asked to re-draw a given scene (they were allowed to choose the time of day and to add in other interesting details) and to decorate a blank bag (as illustrated).

This bag was one of my favourites - I really like the bright colours.

This very clever girl asked her teacher (I wasn't in her classroom yet) for permission to go outside and pick some leaves, which she painted and pressed onto her drawing.

This particular student is also quite good at drawing beautiful manga. I've already asked her to draw some pictures for me, which I intend to use as classroom material.

This guy is probably more of a night person - I dig his style.

I've saved the best for last - this one was my phone wallpaper for a couple of days.

And The Band Played (and there was ghazal too)

2009-08-16T21:05:00.004+08:00

Alhamdulillah I graduated on the 11th. I can only describe it as surreal. I didn't really believe I'd be walking on stage to get my degree (from Tuanku Bainun, no less) until I was actually on it and my face and name were on the screens and everything.
What could I say here that you can't read on anyone else's blog? If you regular read the blogs of my classmates (or any other graduates') I wouldn't want to bore you.
But I will say this: That day, I finally felt like I'm actually worth something. If you've ever been the one whose future any parent would worry about, the one who was looked down upon, thought of as an embarrassment, a black sheep and all that crap... you would know exactly what I mean.
Mama, Papa - this is for you. Thanks for everything. And the Masters is coming soon , I promise *hugs* I love you both...

And to every smart-ass who thought I was only good for cleaning toilets or whatever - IN YOUR FACE!

God, that felt good.

Kindergarten All Over Again

2009-08-05T21:49:00.001+08:00

I'm thinking of making some flashcards next :-)

Has It Really Been That Long?

2009-08-05T21:27:00.002+08:00

What are the odds that when I check this I would see a comment from Aunty Latiffa of all people reminding me that I haven't been updating my blog? Don't answer that.
Been teaching in Johor for almost a month now. It's been interesting, and I think I've just about settled into something like a routine. Here's a typical day for me:

6.30am - Wake up
7.00am - Leave for school
7.30am - 1.05pm - Teach little brats
2.00pm or so - Go home (This time will change when I have more work to do)
3.30pm - 4.30pm - Practice Hiragana (We can write quite a few characters now)
6.00pm - 7.00pm - Write novel (I'm currently on Chapter 8)
8.00pm - 10.00pm - Read books or do some reflection (No neglecting the journal)
10.00pm - Sleep (Okay, this is a lie - usually I sleep later than that)

The teachers are all very nice to me. Most of them are new to the school (my school is only eight years old) and a number of them are still young so I'm guessing they all still remember what it feels like to be the newbie. I'm replacing two teachers who have recently been transferred to a matriculation college. Their students have been warned. I've relieved their classes before and the kids are dead scared of me. But the school is full of really naughty children so apparently one has to be really strict. A few of them have been rude to me. I made them stand on chairs. They told their teacher I'm "garang macam harimau". The teachers told me to keep it up.

It's been a month and by now, some of the kids know me better. Now, they call me "Cikgu Rock". One boy was worried I might be too "rock" and he playfully begged me to go back to "makcik" mode. Whatever. To be fair, he may be thinking of the kids who still need a good old-fashioned "pial telinga" every now and then. The teachers in this school are not allowed to touch the kids, which is sad. Papa says this is why the kids are so spoilt. During practicum, the rule was "anything that doesn't kill the child is okay". Fun times... (I'm so sadistic)

Not sure what else to write about. Pressed for time at the moment because I don't have the laptop charger with me (No place to plug that in anyway). Will continue later, ya?

See You Again Soon

2009-06-26T02:39:00.002+08:00

B.Ed. TESL Cohort 2 IPSAH-UPSI

Goodbyes are always so sad, no? My mom once commented, "The problem with you and your classmates is that you've been together too long and you're too close." What to do? Although, is it that bad to get to know people and grow to love them so much? I know I don't think so :-)
Guys, thanks for a wonderful six years. We've had our ups-and-downs (yes, Kas, I know it's cheesy) and our round-and-rounds but hey - perfect is boring, right? I wouldn't have it any other way. I've learned so much from all 24 of you.
All the best, people! I love you!

Staffroom Stuff

2009-06-17T14:10:00.003+08:00

Boys: Kitorang masa praktikum dulu cukup bosan kalau duduk dalam bilik guru. Cikgu lelaki semua asyik cakap pasal benda yang sama je: baja, tanah, memancing...

Girl: Tu takpe lagi. Kalau cikgu perempuan asyik dok mengata orang je. Kalau kita tak nak bergaul sama, dia kata kita ni sombong pulak.

Hence why it is probably a blessing to teach at least 24 periods a week.

(Names withheld to protect privacy)

Other Side Of The Lens

2009-06-11T01:16:00.002+08:00

Behind the scenes

Photographer: Muhammad bin Masri
Location: Ferry en route to Pulau Redang

I have yet to see the results of this particular mini photo shoot... Faiz!

It's Another Blog!

2009-06-05T00:07:00.005+08:00

Language nerds may enjoy my second blog This Is Not Your Average Blogging Scene at: http://thetinyabs.blogspot.com
There's a link on the side labeled Alter Ego.

Optimism

2009-05-29T01:10:00.003+08:00

One of my juniors tried to "enlighten" me on something the other day... It was very nice of her, but what she didn't realize is that I was pretty much thinking along the same lines when I was her age. Wasn't the first time I've ever thought, "Oh you say that now but just you wait two more years..." Yes, we've all been through that phase when we think we know everything simply because we've gone a few years past 13. But trust me - if you haven't already, you will get to a later stage where you realize that you've still got more to learn and then you'll decide it's probably better to keep quiet till you're... say, 40. Life begins at 40, right?
Maybe that's why they say so :-)

Pantun and Baju

2009-05-28T00:45:00.006+08:00

Some things are unquestionably sacred to me, and my family.

Here's a recent conversation between me and my mother...
More or less verbatim.

Me: Ma, Zehan (my cousin) passed us her engagement DVD...
Ma: You know what happened? The other side was reciting pantun and your Uncle (no, not Zehan's dad) couldn't reply. Ok, it's bad enough you couldn't reply but you know what he said? He kept saying, "Tengok tu, nak menunjuk lah tu! Orang sekarang mana ada berpantun." Once I heard that... Apa lagi - I said to him, "Eh Li! Bukannya orang sekarang tak berpantun lagi - kau tu yang malas!" I mean, you know that you're representing the family in a formal engagement, you prepare lah at least one!
Me: Call me old-fashioned but I expect to hear pantun at traditional ceremonies.
Ma: I remember my late grandmother dulu, she could come up with pantun on the spot! Her mind was so sharp, you imagine? Ni yang orang nak kata uneducated sebab tak pergi sekolah...

Somehow we went this way about 20 seconds later...

Me: My friends and I were talking about what you wear to weddings, and I told them the story about Uncle Yan wanting to wear jeans to Aunty Nina's wedding. They asked me, "Tak boleh ke?" I said, "Your own sister's wedding nak pakai jeans - cari pasal lah tu; pakai lah baju Melayu!"
Ma: Punya lah marah your Nenek. But nowadays, you see people have no respect for weddings. Datang dengan seluar jeans koyak dengan T-shirt... Tak ada collar pula tu! Aiye...
Me: I mean, it's one thing to do Western attire at a Malay wedding but at least keep it neat!

And then it got to this...

Me: I don't know - I like to see men in baju Melayu, they look so smart. Especially when you wear it properly with the sampin and the butang...
Ma: People nowadays don't know how to wear it properly. Sayang.

Which reminds me: Guys think it's a lot to ask when we request the baju Melayu. Why? Certain baju kurung and kebaya are not exactly the most comfortable things in the world to wear but when the occasion calls for it we put it on - no questions asked. It's our culture and we give it that much respect. Nothing makes me more sad to go to a wedding and spot some mismatched couple - the girl looking so sweet in her baju kurung and the guy looking so mat rempit in his scruffy T-shirt and jeans. And what makes it worse is that the same guys who insist on NOT wearing the baju Melayu are the same guys who ask "Why must we copy other cultures?" >_<

When another cousin got married about a year or so back, she chose to do so in a mosque. Read that again: a mosque. Imagine our horror to see her Malay photographer carrying out her duties in jeans and a jacket. In a mosque, photographing a Malay wedding. Hello? Were you raised by non-Malays? Susah sangat ke nak pakai baju kurung tu? Berapa jam je pun. Takkan sepasang pun tak ada! When my sisters got married, both of them chose Kid Chan as wedding photographer. He was under no obligation to dress like a Malay. And yet, on both occasions this Chinese gentleman had the decency to wear a baju Melayu complete with butang baju Melayu, a sampin and, if I remember correctly, a songkok. "Malu orang kita je," my mother said. I agree.

Conflicted Conservative

2009-05-27T23:03:00.003+08:00

My mom bought me new bathing suits for our class trip to Redang. She's been meaning to do so ever since I wore my bikini (my one-piece bathing suits don't fit anymore) on the Sarawak trip. Not that she minded (she was the one who bought it) but she knows that I don't really feel so comfortable wearing it when I'm not with my family. It's different when your parents are with you somehow. She also knows that recently I've become a little more shy when it comes to showing certain parts of the body. I can hear some of you saying "bullsh*t" but you haven't seen how short Aina's (name changed to protect identity) skirts are. Even my tennis skirt wasn't that small. Don't get me wrong; I think it's great that she (with the better legs, by the way) has so much confidence - it's just that I don't have the guts for it myself. I've borrowed it before and I'm glad at the time I was with trusted guy friends i.e. Camel and Boy who always look out for me: Believe me, it's no fun once the mat rempits catch sight of you. Yeah, of course, certain clothes get you noticed - but it's never the kind of attention you want, especially if you're alone.

To be honest, I've actually got a weird notion of conservative but I guess it's still developing. I don't cover my hair but I freak out if I don't have a button for my baju kurung. I love the kebaya but never without a camisole. I like shorts but I think it's a crime to wear them in a shopping mall like you're at the beach. And I adore close-fitting tees but absolutely hate the kind of tops that your boobs spill out of. It's confusing, I know. Some people might think of me as an exhibitionist one minute, and an old-fashioned prude the next. Even I feel as though I can't really make up my mind which one I really am. You would think that I'd have myself all figured out by the age of 23. But you know, they say one never really stops growing.

Jump For Joy or How To Be A Bad Student

2009-05-27T03:19:00.008+08:00

Matt took this photo years back and I remember him saying something along the lines of, "Bayangkan esok kita dah grad, we have to take more pictures like this, okay?" He badly wanted to make a commercial out of it so he added the slogan "Achieving beyond possibilities" (which in my opinion says a lot about what he really thinks of my achievements and possibilities - Gee thanks a lot Matt). Any takers on UPSI's real slogan, anyone?

Pretty soon we'll have something real to show for everything we've had to put up with for the past six years. God, has it really been that long? Oh I feel old now.

Pretty soon it'll be payback time and all my ex-teachers are rubbing their hands with glee. Remember when your teachers used to say, "Esok kalau awak jadi cikgu, baru awak tahu..."? Here's a quick list of things I'm sorry I ever did because I know kids will give me the same in the definitely-not-too-distant-now future (Wow I must really like lists):

1) Skip classes (school, for that matter)
2) Skip homework
3) Cook up lousy excuses for (1) and (2)
4) What the heck is "revision"?
5) Not pay attention
6) Show a preference for the tuition teacher (She was nice to me!)
7) Fashion Police certain teachers (Not many of us could resist this one)
8) See No. 5 again
9) Fight back and refuse to believe in much of what they were saying
10) Not fully apply myself (This one I regret the most)

Truth be known, a lot of motivational so-called self-help stuff will tell you to go ahead with No. 9 but what do I know - I don't write those. I always end up being forced to believe in a lot of things anyway (except God but that's a given - I love God). This is what we call learning new things every day :-)

Got that, class? Understand-ing? Understood-ed?
[And they trust me to teach English.]

I miss my students.

Torture And The Like

2009-05-27T01:40:00.004+08:00

I know this is horrible to even suggest but is anyone else of the opinion that people who can think of the most simple yet effective methods are just pure genius?

Here are a few of my favourite examples:

1) Cili mulut - Any idea how ouch this can get? This has to be officially/legally classified as a form of torture somewhere in the world.

2) Waterboarding - To hell with fancy schmancy technology and expensive nonsense; all you need is a board and a watering can. Let's face it, there are people (can we even call them that?) who deserve this.

3) My dad's paint remover plan - Just one swipe of this and the mat rempits will think twice before leaving their motorcycles in front of our gate ever again. Same goes for the illegally parked cars clogging up our street every night.

4) Chemical castration - Self-explanatory.

I'm sleepy. More on this another day... Pleasant dreams :-D

We like Spitz

2009-05-27T00:21:00.002+08:00

Nitenai bokura ha hosoi ito de tsunagatte iru

Yoku aru akai yatsu ja naku

We, who are unalike, are connected by a thin thread

Not one of those red ones you see around

Snaps and Crocs

2009-05-26T23:53:00.005+08:00

My dad had an accident this morning on the way to Johor because some ding couldn't control his car and hit my dad's car from behind (this is why I pantang punya lah pantang datuk nenek moyang orang kata degil nanti marah pulak tapi kalau dah degil tu degil lah kan ha ni ada je yang nak bagi aku membebel tahap nak semput tak tentu pasal if people i.e. my parents go anywhere without telling other people i.e. me where they're going - crazy how people should think this rule only applies to youngsters).

Anyway, alhamdulillah he is safe.

My (this close to twenty months old) niece Sara has got a very cute pair of Crocs now - this is probably as tiny as they really are:
Incidentally, I can hear her crying in her parents' room now. She probably woke up and realized that she didn't have her new Crocs on :-) The women in this family have a thing about brand new stuff - one of my aunties (of course I won't tell you which) likes to sleep with brand new (clean) shoes on. If I buy new books, they usually spend the night on the pillow right next to me. This is my roommate for the night (purchased just this evening):

Sara was very nice to Faiz today. Faiz was immeasurably pleased. Usually she screams and cries whenever she sees him but just now she salam him like a good little girl and was all manja and stuff. They even played ball together. She hasn't played that with me for quite some time :-(

Motivation

2009-05-20T22:13:00.003+08:00

Chapter 2 of Kage No Yuurei is finally finished! Hope Chris likes it. Just this afternoon I told my brother-in-law about the story and he rather liked it, too - so fingers crossed, everyone!
My mother wants me to hurry up and finish the book so that I can sell it for millions and buy her a house by the sea - in Penang, where property like that is upwards of RM1 million. Wish me luck! I've planned out all 20 chapters so now all I have to do is write them but of course that's easier said than done. Thank God for Chris pushing me and pushing me and asking for more otherwise the book might never get written until I'm retired (and I haven't even started teaching yet).
Ishizuka-san, you're definitely gonna be in the dedication :-)

The Invitation

2009-05-20T00:18:00.002+08:00

The other day I realized that I have never had the honour of an invitation to dance. 23 years - nothing. If it's not me extending the invitation (and getting rejected most times), it's something plain taken for granted i.e. Riza and myself leading the pack at family gatherings (not that it isn't "YAY" Riza my dear, but...) No one has ever really asked, "Would you like to dance?"

So here's to a sweet gentleman (who shall remain nameless) for making history sometime this month. It may not seem like much to you but I thank you from the bottom of my heart :-)

Apologies

2009-05-14T11:54:00.002+08:00

You said sorry for everything the other day
And so did I
But somehow I feel it wasn't enough
You and I haven't always been the most logical of friends
We've loved and loathed
We've laughed and cried
Coming from two different worlds, we could not see eye to eye
But somewhere along the line
You and I met in the middle
We know now - friends don't always need to be the same kind
You accept my differences and I accept yours
You've got my back and I've got yours
And even if we need to keep making more sense of each other
I'm glad that we are friends, and will continue to be

Here's to (a fresh start of?) you and me!

Love is still in the air

2009-04-05T19:57:00.005+08:00

On my way home this afternoon, I was patiently waiting at a traffic light when something very interesting caught my eye:

If you look closely, you can see the passenger running her fingers through the driver's hair at the base of his neck. What we're looking at here is a very romantic elderly couple. Gray hair and everything yet still so manja. I hope my husband and I will be that happy even when we get to be their age...

Ghost of a Weekend

2009-04-02T19:34:00.003+08:00

This is Yuuko Ichihara of xxxHolic - my muse for Kage No Yuurei's Haruka:

I've been feeling like a yuurei (ghost) myself these days. Watching my life go by without actually living it (well, we all have those moments when you just don't want to) with as much passion as I normally do. And I'm really not in the mood for anything this weekend but I think I have to keep myself busy, if only to keep from thinking about trivial (or not-so-trivial) matters. Under any circumstances, a bunch of things have been left on the backseat. Such as an unfinished novel that keeps bugging me like a little kid pulling on your clothes for attention. I blame the project paper - it's made me dread opening up Word documents. Still, somewhere out there, someone's waiting to read the second chapter so I suppose I should get cracking. Matteite yo, Kurisu-kun!

Just Curious

2009-03-31T22:28:00.003+08:00

This is an extension of Nani's photo activity. I was curious to see what the seventh photo in my seventh folder was... and believe it or not, we actually have:

That's Ahmad Faiz and myself on a trip to Sarawak. Photo by Kamarul Ariffin Ahmad and Muhamad Lothfi Zamri. Don't ask me why it takes two people to take a photo.

Ahmad Faiz is a surprisingly shy person. You can tell by the way he's inching away from me (yes, we were on talking terms by then) and sitting funny. He's never comfortable being photographed and is hardly ever in any of our group pictures. You'd think we never include him. So, that's why this particular photo is a rare one.

I actually can't remember where I bought that dress but it's one of my favourites.

Nani's Photo Request

2009-03-31T22:04:00.004+08:00

Nani asked for a description of the sixth photo in the sixth picture folder so here it is:

This photo was taken by Matt during a filming session for our group project. Also in the group were Wan and Jey. We were making a video for the short story The Lotus Eater and taking breaks in between scenes. Matt caught me while I was reapplying my lip balm. Flattering.

Depression and the Diets

2009-03-31T21:30:00.002+08:00

After years of research, I have observed two levels of depression:

Level 1 - in which a person is so depressed he/she will consume massive amounts of food

Level 2 - in which a person is too depressed to even think about food

Level 1 is pretty common and many of my friends can attest to downing mountains of comfort food (chocolate is a firm favourite) in trying times. But once in a while, we reach Level 2.

The other day I was feeling especially bad about something and I could only handle a bowl of soup for dinner (those who know me better would liken this to a sponge repelling water). My housemate gave me this really concerned look and asked, "Are you on a diet?"

There have actually been times when I went for days without a decent meal. It's dangerous, yes (especially when you're already as skinny as I am), but somehow you don't even realize your stomach is empty. It gets that bad and you won't even know it.

This is why I need to watch a lot of comedies - it would literally kill me to be sad.

Would You Call Me Stupid?

2009-03-31T20:50:00.002+08:00

"So are you excited about tonight's birthday party?"

"Oh I'm not going - I'm seeing a friend of mine."

"Really? Wish you could join us, A. How about you, B?"

"Oh B's meeting up with a friend, too."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, what a coincidence..."

*Fast-forward 4 hours*

"Hi, C. How many of us are there tonight?"

"Not too many..."

"Hey, how come we're not celebrating D's birthday as well? After all, it's between E and F's birthday."

"Oh didn't you hear? A bunch of them wanted to celebrate D's birthday. Just them."

"Why not celebrate three birthdays instead of just one?"

"I don't know."

If you haven't figured it out by now, A and B are very good friends of mine.

I don't know about you, but in my opinion "We didn't want a big party" or even "You're not invited" probably would have hurt a lot less than a lie. But that's just me.

Sound Familiar?

2009-03-24T16:41:00.002+08:00

The other day I was watching Oprah and there was this lady whose husband literally set her on fire and thank God she lived to tell the tale. They were talking to some experts on domestic abuse and one of them explained five signs that a man could turn out to be physically violent and abusive:

1) He's irrationally jealous - even of your friends...
2) He shows controlling behavior - from your clothes to your diet to what you do with your money, everything he says goes...
3) He verbally abuses you - to the humiliating point where you feel like less of a human being...
4) He threatens to physically harm you - and your family or friends or pets...
5) He isolates you - and makes you feel completely alone so you won't get help from anyone.

If you, or any unfortunate individual you know, are in this kind of relationship... end it now.
Share this with every woman in your life. You never know who you'll end up saving.

P.S. I know a few of us are already thinking of the same person. Shall we all e-mail her?

And Then Tomorrow

2009-03-15T00:34:00.002+08:00

I finally finished writing my project paper... All I have to do now is wait for my supervisor to approve it then we can edit the itty bitty nonsense and then it's all systems go with the printer and I am DONE with assignments! Haha! Oh the past six years of studying are starting to feel sweeter now! (Shut up... Anyone who's graduated after one too many years of school could relate to this.)

The plan for writing did not go well at all. The weekend I wanted to really write more on the last two chapters we had to practice our storytelling (which in the end was postponed anyway). Then yesterday when I thought I had a good chance my mom drags me to Tesco (sekejap je, she says). After she's weighed out enough chicken and meat and prawns she realises that she's left her credit card at home and I had to wait for her to go back and get it. In the meantime, she allowed me to select a whole bunch of stuff to take back to Sungai Petani... She generously paid.

Today my niece decided to be extra cute. She screamed when anyone pulled her away from her busy aunty (away from my laptop, more like it) and would come crying back to me. And if she comes running with her arms up in the air, it's hard to say no. Even when her parents took her to her grandparents' place (Daddy's side), the first thing I heard when she came back was, "Baba! Baba!" (She still can't say "Eva") Anyway, it's a miracle I got my work done by the end of the day.

The good news is now I'm pretty much free to write Shadow Spirit, which I hated leaving on the back seat. Let the fun begin...

Fight Me

2009-03-10T08:46:00.003+08:00

It's unfortunate that some debates are more often than not misunderstood as arguments. There are times when you don't really care about winning - you just want to look at both sides of something, and you need someone with a different opinion for that. On occasion, you find a topic for which you had never even considered another side to; that's when things get really interesting.
Is it because of something in our supposedly docile culture that we always think people who love to debate love to cari gaduh? We need to break out of this, or we will never be open-minded.

Thinking Cap

2009-02-26T19:47:00.004+08:00

I read somewhere that most people need some kind of prop to set them in Work Mode. Some people use a thinking cap, some an alarm clock, maybe special writing tools, for a lot of people it's the reading glasses... that sort of thing. I'll try anything. Recently I bought a pair of glasses (no power) from Padang Besar. They're fun to wear. Now I have Nerd Mode, or so I thought. A friend of mine said I look like one of the Bookworm B**ches. So apparently it's Porn Star mode. Yay. I'm taking these off.

And Thus We Sever The Ties...

2009-02-17T13:04:00.004+08:00

Why do we always hurt the most when it involves the ones we love the most? Regardless of whether or not they love you in return. I asked Christine and she said maybe it's because familiarity breeds contempt. Enough with the cliches already...
My sister has this rule about cutting off people who don't benefit you in any way. I used to disagree with that - how could anyone cut off their friends (or family) that easily? I believe we have something to learn from everyone. But, this is someone who has achieved a lot of what she wanted so I really wouldn't argue. Besides, I'm starting to see her point.
Why should we waste our lives on people who really couldn't give a sh*t about us? If that person can't respect you enough to be honest with you, why care? If that person can't appreciate the things you do for them, maybe we should just drop them. Forget the opportunists who only remember you in times of need. The world ain't that small and there are plenty of other people who wouldn't be a waste of your time.
And as for you (you know who you are), if you're not sincere then please stop pretending. It's an insult to other people's intelligence.

This Is What Loneliness Looks Like

2009-02-17T08:23:00.002+08:00

Here's something we rarely see; even movies would normally show only the girls doing this... This is my friend Azizul waiting to hear from his girlfriend. Nice to know the guys think of us as often as we think about them, eh girls?

Kimi wa nani shiteru? Egao ga mitai zo
Furikabutte wagamama sora ni nageta
-Mahou No Kotoba, Spitz

When You Could Not Be More Wrong

2009-02-11T23:44:00.000+08:00

Here I introduce a new segment: Excellent Excerpts

Conversations with friends: Faiz, Zul, Wani

Eva: Would you mind driving? I'm tired - I just got back from Baling, remember?
Faiz: Okay.

Eva: I think maybe it's because I'm old-fashioned, but I have this thing where the guy should drive; especially if he's gonna be the one taking care of the girl. (In this case, I'm just tired)

Wani: My best friend is getting married... Awak...

Zul: Eh, kenapa kita kena pergi kursus kahwin tu?
Eva: Well, you go there and they can teach you more about Islam and...
Faiz: Why would we need to...?
Eva: Ye lah, if you're gonna be a parent one day there's a lot of stuff you should be able to teach your children... And you should also know the do's and dont's of a Muslim husband or wife...

Zul: Awak, baca Doa Qunut.
Eva: Relax lah, Zul, they're not gonna test you.
Wani: Tu lah. Tapi kat Melaka kalau gagal, dapat sijil jugak so what's the point?
Faiz: Kena ambik ujian ke kat Melaka?!
Wani: Ah ah.
Eva: Haha, you should make Zul take the test - kalau lulus, mesti your mother happy...

Faiz: Growing up, I always thought a kursus kahwin would have someone telling you, "This is about sex..."
Eva: That is NOT what it's all about!
Faiz: I know, I know...
Eva: Mana ada kursus macam tu!
Faiz: Zul, mari kita buat kursus kahwin cara baru...

Wani: Tapi ada juga dia terangkan pasal...
Zul: Cara buat?
Wani: Adab lah. Adab sebelum buat...
Eva: Dia ada terangkan pasal pagar tu tak?
Zul: Hah? Panjat pagar?
Eva: No, the pagar as in... You know, when the husband says a prayer for his wife before the batalkan air sembahyang, and it protects her...
Wani: Oh ye ke?
Faiz: Protects her from what?
Eva: You know, benda halus and stuff...
Faiz: Benda halus? Virus?
Eva: *gives him the look* No. Okay, it protects her from harm in general lah...
Faiz: Okay. I'm a modern person - you say benda halus, I think viruses.
Eva: Yeah, and I'm old-fashioned.
Zul: Apa dia?
Faiz: Old-fashioned.
Zul: Eva, old-fashioned? Aku rasa Eva paling modern yang aku kenal.
Wani: Eh, takde lah... Tengok keluarga dia...
Zul: Keluarga dia, aku boleh percaya. Tapi Eva...
Faiz: Tak, Zul. Eva kalau kau betul-betul kenal dia, dia memang old-fashioned.
Zul: Ye ke?
Eva: Zul, aku baru je pial telinga seorang budak sebab dia tak tunduk jalan depan cikgu.
Faiz: Ha, tengok? Cubaan yang paling bagus; bukannya tampar ke apa, dia pial telinga. Cubaan zaman dulu-dulu, pial telinga budak. Macam nenek...
Eva: Nenek dipanggilnya aku...
Faiz: Dia boleh jadi Saloma lah, tapi zaman lain...

Pass the Panadol, please?

2009-02-11T12:06:00.003+08:00

Our allowance is in. True to tradition, Zul has suggested Penang. Of course I would love to go. I always find myself writing better after a little break. But how could I possibly when I have to go to Baling today, discuss a presentation with Jey tomorrow, write reports of two research sessions on Friday and Saturday, teach in Baling (again) on Sunday, observe Faiz teaching in Sik on Monday, and teach in Baling one last time on Tuesday. Would be skipping two sessions of dance class as it is - thank God I can replace those. Anyway, the rest of February will be spent writing the project paper. I can't wait for March. And the end of May, when we finally leave college. Freedom...!!!

"I have my moments..." he says.

2009-02-07T20:04:00.002+08:00

Guys like to believe they're all that. He'll do his work with this crazy-serious look on his face because he knows his girl likes that. Makes him look smart (not that he isn't). He'll pretend he's seen it all and heard it all before, and he'll pretend he's too absorbed to hear whatever you just said. He reads more than you would - faster too, and most likely with more consigned to memory. But then, when you least expect it, you might just suddenly feel a foot nudging yours under the table.

Hey, he's only human.

Mou Ichido Kudasai

2009-02-03T12:12:00.004+08:00

Some of you may know I'm currently trying to learn Japanese. I know I've always wanted to learn a foreign language but I'm not sure why I would begin with such a tough one. Maybe because this time I actually have some help from a native speaker. I could have learned Dutch from Pieter but even he didn't want to teach me because he knew it would be very difficult. So, thank you Christopher Francis Ishizuka for being so patient and understanding ^_^ Arigato gozaimasu!

What I find funny about learning a foreign language while studying TESL is that I do catch myself applying the theories we talk about in class. I give myself drills, I immerse myself in the language through songs and anime, I play around with the words - it's hilarious. I kind of feel like I'm my own case study. Anyway, wish me luck! Or as they say, gambatte!

To any native speakers of Japanese reading this: Sumimasen, nihongo wa sukoshi dake dekimasu!

Jingle Jingle Ca-ching

2009-02-03T12:03:00.003+08:00

Anyone who grew up forced to watch RTM might remember that little tune they play between shows: R-T-M... Te-man se-tia an-da... Notice how they've been playing it for years? Now which lucky basket do you suppose is earning ridiculous royalty for a song with only four words in it?

See, that's what I call easy money.

Baby Genius

2009-02-03T11:48:00.003+08:00

The other day my mom told me about this one time she was scolding Sara and she thought it might be useful to call Sara's grandfather. So there she was yelling, "Papi! Papi!" and Sara just glared at her. Suddenly, this little one went "Papa! Papa!". My mom said Sara's probably figured out two can play at that game and she calls her dad for back-up. She's also figured out the possibility of getting out of trouble by acting cute. I scolded her for throwing the empty powdered-milk can down the stairs and she just smiled then started dancing in front of me...

I never took her seriously when my mom said Sara tidur lasak. Then there was that night I was in the room when Lin was trying to put her to bed. She insisted on using my stomach for a pillow. Then when my mom joined us she slept next to my mom. And two minutes later decided to be close to me again - this time with her back against my knee and her head aiming for my feet. Then she went back to my mom's shoulder. Finally, she settled for a compromise between the two of us - she slept with her head on the back of my knees (I had turned onto my stomach by then) and her feet on my mother's hip. God bless her...

20,000 Plane Crashes

2009-01-29T13:14:00.003+08:00

Here's another snippet from one of my favourite short stories. Lemme know if you're interested...

The first time I heard those words I didn’t want to believe them. But I knew he was right. He always was. The argument was logical enough.

“We need to be brave enough to take risks in life or we miss out. It’s like flying.”

“Flying? Like angel wings or a plane?”

“People who are scared to fly don’t realise that flying is safer than driving.”

“Oh? How so?”

“Think about it: You read about car accidents more often than you read about plane crashes, don’t you? Even if one plane crash would result in more deaths than one...”

“Fiq?”

“Yes?” He stopped walking.

“Why are we talking about something so morbid?”

“I don’t know.”

That’s just the way it was with us. It was always “I don’t know”. Looking back, I’d say it was simply because that was the truth, plain and simple. We didn’t know. All we knew was that being with each other felt like being at home. We were that comfortable, that secure, that stupid. We didn’t understand half of what was really happening in our lives.

Ideas Ideas

2009-01-29T13:04:00.003+08:00

Wani gave me an excellent idea for a short story recently and it has since been written (with sincere apologies to Mat - and in case you're wondering it was Boy who supplied me with the names for creative use) in one afternoon. Here's a sneak peek - do e-mail me if you're interested and I'll give you the rest of it. Enjoy...

Matt has to die

It was no question that Matt had to die.

The two girls had decided upon this grave solution after much careful deliberation. For a few years now, Madihah and Kamilah had quietly tolerated the influence, nay, the immortal power that Matt held over their respective boyfriends, Lothfi and Kamarul. It was unclear as to exactly why the boys favoured Matt’s decisions and chose to follow him the way cart-pulling donkeys followed carrots but the fact of the matter was they did – often leaving the two girls high and dry. And they had had enough.

“Can you believe Kamarul ditched me again?”

“For Matt? Where did they go this time?”

“They went for cendol pulut again, of course! Have you seen the boys eating anything else lately? As if they need more sugar in them, chubby as they are!”

At the moment, Madihah was ironing her baju kurung for the next day, furiously pounding the appliance on the wooden table with each punch of her words.

“Those boys! (thump) They need to be taught a lesson! (thump) I think we should just refuse (thump) to have dinner with them tonight! And to think (thump) that I was actually going to be-lan-ja! (thump thump thump)

“Sabar, Madihah. We can’t let them get the better of us just like that.” Kamilah was sitting on her bed, calmly folding her laundry. “But we should do something about it, I agree. They can’t keep taking us for granted. Ingat kita ni apa?”

“Exactly!” Madihah sat the iron hard on its bottom and flipped off the switch. “At this rate, they might as well just marry Matt instead of us! Let’s see how that works!”

Kamilah smiled and said nothing.

Madihah sighed and began hanging up her baju kurung. “The problem is, Matt has this way of convincing people to do just as he says. Think about it: the shops that he recommends are not that great, the food is not that good, the games... He just... He’s a sweet talker, that’s what he is. A born salesman, and there’s nothing we can do about it.”

Kamilah paused in the midst of folding a sarong and looked up. “Or maybe...”

“What?” Madihah busied herself pulling out the plug and coiling the wire of the iron.

“There is something we could try.”

“Such as?”

Kamilah looked her dead in the eye. “We could kill Matt. Problem solved.”

Madihah stole a glance at her. For a moment, her face searched that of her friend’s for an indication of something – but she did not know what. Rationality? Sanity? But then, something flicked in her own eyes and her face changed into a similar expression.

“You are joking,” she exhaled.

“Of course I am.” Kamilah went back to folding her clothes.

“We could never do such a thing like that.” Madihah continued, watching her.

“Of course not.” Kamilah finished the last of her chore and got up to carry a neatly folded pile towards her open closet. She put away the clean clothes and shut the door.

*You have my address?

Half Alive - Secondhand Serenade

2009-01-29T12:53:00.005+08:00

This song has been stuck in my head ever since I heard it in AI's car. Even Painted the lyrics onto my wallpaper (Sorry, Irie Naoki). It could be just my inner-emo talking but I think it's so beautiful and it pretty much describes the situation that we've all been in at some point or other.

A Duet In Light And Darkness

2009-01-16T14:02:00.005+08:00

White:
There are four lights on my ceiling
You flip one switch and all four come on
The bedroom, my operating theatre
Where I lay me down to be fixed
I need to be poked and poked and swirled and fixed
I need to be cut up and sewn back together

I have lighted too many fires for myself
and now it's all too bright

Though you know
Pride will not let me share my burdens with you
My lights are mine
and mine alone

Black:
I am engulfed in darkness
The darkness that I like
Like everything else in my life
except you and your lighted room
being cut up and sewn back together
and my family and God
Life is like darkness to which we light fires
and I think I have lost all of mine

Then maybe you should give me some of yours
and then maybe we could be blind together

Because you forget
You're not alone

A Duet In Light And Darkness (2009)
Written by Ahmad Faiz Abdul Aziz and Evanna Mohamad Ramly

Wishy Washy

2009-01-09T17:11:00.003+08:00

Christine and I once talked about how things could be so hectic, the only quiet time you'd have to yourself is laundry time. I don't know why but I still enjoy washing my clothes by hand. Maybe it's just because my mouth is not moving but sometimes I get a lot of really good ideas from the moment I pour in the soap. Then we mull over it or whatever while we're scrub-a-dub-dubbing. By the time we get to the fabric softener, I feel like ditching the laundry and running for some pen and paper. More often than not, I lose the ideas somewhere between wringing out the clothes and pegging them up on the line. It's rare for me to hold on to them. This is why people dictate to secretaries.

Nani remembered The Notebook

2009-01-02T13:58:00.002+08:00

Nani is such a sweetheart : )

Leaving for Kedah in the morning... I cannot wait to get the final semester over and done with! Six years of TESL is hell. At least with med school, all six years are necessary. My classmates agree that our second year of foundation was not, which leaves us all fuming at the thought of a wasted year. Honestly, I could have been working for months by now! I need money, dammit. In this day and age, who doesn't? Some more Z was supposed to find me work and he didn't, the traitor ; )

But what really pissed me off was how I had to turn down another invitation to read at a literary event... Do you have any idea what it actually means to be invited (by the British Council, no less) to read at an event? The kind lady was like, "Oh I thought you'd finished studying by now..." and in my head I was going, "Yeah, one would think, right?" Why, God, why?

The good news is, something tells me the headache and tension of a final semester mixed with the anxiety of future posting and postgraduate studies is going to give me a lot to write about. Wish me luck!

Placement

2009-01-02T13:39:00.003+08:00

This is a word that currently holds so many meanings for me:

1. Exactly how shall I place my tiles in order to beat my dad at Scrabble?
He remains undefeated and it's awe-inspiring yet irritating at the same time.

2. How am I going to get my books sold in stores?
Somebody was supposed to help me with this but she's been so busy I can't ask. And no, I'm not holding it against you : )

3. (I hate the fact that I'm actually wondering, but...) What number am I out of the 25 in our class?
Hey, this actually means something to some people, alright? So what if I am kiasu?

4. Where am I going to be posted come July 2009?
This is a scary one. Keeping my fingers crossed.

5. Less is more.
Aunty Li, you cannot have that many plants out on the balcony... It doesn't work : (

Unwell

2008-11-28T13:14:00.000+08:00

Is it just me or can we associate being unwell with some good writing? Either your head is messed up and you've got a lot of good crap coming out of your subconscious or you're too sick to get out of bed so you just stay in and write your fingers off? I have a cold right now and I'm stuck at home so we'll see what comes out of all this later.

Been revisiting the past year's poetry. Rescued some random stuff from a previous journal too. There's not much, but I do like what I have. I think I hardly wrote at all this past semester, and I blame it all on practicum. I hope this is not a foreshadowing of my writing practice in the future. Then again, there are a lot of things you don't have to do once you're teaching for real, so... I should be able to have more time to myself. Unless Miss Niceness takes over and goes two extra miles. I'll be the death of me, I swear.

Anyone who read Characters Under Glass before it was published might remember The Notebook with the embroidered cover. Guess what? We now have Notebook 2! Again with a pretty cover. The past couple of days I rearranged all my post-Characters poetry and wrote them in there. I don't know why but there's something romantic about a well-kept handwritten copy of poetry. My brother-in-law was like, why? and I'm like, dunno.

Wet Feedback

2008-10-30T18:31:00.000+08:00

So far only two people have cried in response to my writing:

Christine
Faiz

There are a few pieces that could potentially make my mother cry but she's very good at this poker-face thing...

I don't know. Part of me believes that this is the ultimate in feedback. When the emotion in a piece is so strong that it moves you to tears. How often does that happen these days?

What Happened There?

2008-10-30T18:24:00.000+08:00

Faiz told me that one of the reasons he no longer writes poetry is due to the fact that he no longer has much angst to draw from (so he says). He suspects that may be one of the reasons I don't write as often as I used to. I worry that he may be right. Of course not all of my poetry came from young adult angst but still... Then again, the volumes of angsty poetry coming from all corners of the world tell us one thing: this stuff makes you write.

Some time later I should have more anthologies sorted by theme : D

Voices Launch

2008-10-30T18:11:00.000+08:00

Readings at Seksans on the 25th was especially fun for a number of reasons:

1) We had Reza Salleh singing us some beautiful songs
2) We had the successful Malaysian writers joining us
3) We had the book launch (Congratulations, Poetry Underground)

4) I dragged Faiz and Zul along

The great Reza Rosli invited us for his open house after that. I would now like to take the opportunity to ask anyone living in Bukit Jelutong: is there such a road as Jalan Kubah 9? If there is, it doesn't matter because that's NOT where Reza's house is (Thanks a lot, dude)! Oh well : ) At least I was fortunate enough to have been given a rather accurate map. Hazlan and co. were not so fortunate, hehehe... By the way, Reza, the house is gorgeous! Thanks for having us : )

The Book Is Out!

2008-09-09T10:53:00.000+08:00

It's official : )

My first poetry anthology Characters Under Glass has finally been published. Until I'm free to do readings and such during the holidays, they're available via special order from Mr. Abdul Halim Ali of the Language Faculty, Universiti Pendidikan Sultan Idris. You can also write to me!

Here's the introduction on page viii:

Characters Under Glass is a study of life, or more specifically, different individuals from all walks of life under the proverbial microscope. This book features different takes on all our close encounters – the places you’ve seen, the people you’ve met, the emotions you’ve felt – wrapped up and tied with a bow; simply because, more often than not, we miss them the first time around and hope for a second chance.

The phrase 'under glass' not only refers to the glass of the microscope but also to the fact that in so many situations there is this shared feeling of being trapped, or even of helplessness; particularly with issues that are taboo or those of which the public is surprisingly still unaware, in spite of how the glass that displays them is transparent.

Because it is high time we stop to take a closer look at our lives and appreciate all the blessings that we have, because we need to break out of our glass cages, I humbly offer you this baby window to the world. It may not seem big enough, but at the very least it will always be wide-open.

So take your time. And enjoy.

Stupid Price Hike

2008-06-04T22:57:00.000+08:00

We are currently rewriting "Candy Girl" with Pey's help. She is excellent to work with. She's very patient, and her comments are constructive (don't get why some people have to be so harsh, and it's worse when they can't come up with anything better).

The fact that we have to rush this a bit for the anthology makes me a little sad. I like to take my time revisiting work. Sometimes I put it away and look at it again after a couple of days, weeks or months even. But this time I'm not alone, so it shouldn't be too bad.

I know I should be writing my book review (Sorry Daphne) but I just spent a few hours stuck in the car (RM2.70 for petrol starting tomorrow, remember? Took me ages to get back) and now I just want to sleep. I hate this feeling. I feel like a slug, and not the cute kind, either. Now undecided on whether or not to drive tomorrow.

My publisher's been very quiet lately. He's making me worried. Though I'm sure he has his reasons. Please tell me he has at least one good reason. Help me out here, anybody...

Project OMG

2008-06-02T00:44:00.000+08:00

I thought I was crazy but Reza is insane! We stayed up until 2am writing our piece and just before I sleep, he tells me he wants to change the whole thing. We spent the whole Sunday (today) writing and practicing but in the end, it was alright. We didn't suck too bad, and the British Project Connect kids seemed to like it (or did a very good job of pretending to). If Reza wasn't such a good writer I'd strangle him. But then again, he'd probably like that...

Our poem "Candy Girl" is about the relationship between a young girl (a nymphet, to be specific) and an older man. No prizes for guessing who played who. I personally love what we came up with. I was unsure about some stuff but I fought to keep them in the poem anyway. The highlight of my evening was when Hazlan said he liked that part and I was like, "Oh really? Reza hated that; he wanted to cut it out!" And I was this close to doing it, too.

I seem to be going on about this collaboration. Probably because it's my first time, and it's great to be able to work with someone who's more experienced and more mature in terms of writing. This is a lucky break. And I'd love to do it again.

Yesterday Today Tomorrow

2008-05-30T17:27:00.000+08:00

If you're wondering why things have changed around here, that's because I decided to delete the entire blog. Don't fret. Why? Because prayers (notice I didn't say whose) have finally been answered and the book thing is actually happening so being the selfish cow that I am... Yeah. Anyway, fellow poet Reza Rosli asked me an interesting question the other day: How do you write your poetry? I never realised that I actually have a process until he pointed it out.

Now, I'm pretty sure it goes something like this:

Step One: Wait for something to write about.

Step Two: Get into character (as he calls it).

Step Three: Write.

Step Four: Look at it again.

Step Five: Rewrite.

Repeat steps four and five roughly a hundred times.

I am assured that this counts as an actual process.

Maybe I've been thinking about the whole thing too much but for some reason, last night I dreamt that I was writing. Sitting God-knows-where and writing. And it was frustrating because I couldn't see what I was writing. I mean, you never know... it might have been something worthwhile.

I must say, going for the poetry slam was probably the best thing I've ever done for myself in a while. Because that's where I met so many people who shared my interests and welcomed me to share theirs. Which reminds me, I need to thank Daphne again for inviting me in the first place. And George for inviting me to This Is Now, which pretty much opened up the windows inside my head to let the light in again (what an evening). I noticed I've been writing a lot more since then. And that's great, except it's been the cause of my getting up later in the morning.